Dude, you’re my number-one homie. I’ma shoot you straight because no one else has the balls to. (Plus, I’m drumpk from all that Jim Beam you just guzzled.)
Todd, bro, you need to give up this whole (does finger-quotes)
“I’m so cool, I’m so ironic,” schtick.
Why should anyone read your words? What’s so special about your words? Bro, you like stoner movies and reality television – what makes you think you’re a writer?
—Wait, is that a tear I see? Don’t cry, bro. You know I love you man!
/end Todd’s hopes and dreams.