“Cats are Stupid”

By Pat Brunson

By Mrs. Jerry Wilson
Jerry Wilson said it a thousand times, “Cats are so damn stupid.” White Socks had nicked herself on a tuna can three times in the last eight years. All minor lacerations.

His wife said, “Then don’t give her a sharp can!” She rushed Jerry to the emergency room. The cat oblivious to all the drama.

“Yes Mr. Wilson, your fingers will need stiches,” the ER physician said. “Aren’t you the same guy I stitched up his fingers six months ago?” Jerry nodded.

“It’s essential only your wife operate the can opener.”

         
“I write to make people smile, whether in a journal article, short story, or cartoon.” – the writer

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Fruit Smoothie

By M.J. Christie

I wondered if my date might think it weird. But she didn’t say anything, just smiled. Even when we settled down to order a fruit smoothie, she remained unaffected. Not the reaction I’d expected, if I’m honest. What woman would accept a man who wears a mask on their first meeting? It’s no ordinary mask. Not like one of those worn at the Carnival of Venice. It’s a gorilla mask. One more qualified to wear at a robbery rather than an afternoon of togetherness.

“I’m curious—”

“Yes?” Finally, she’s going to ask me, ‘why?’.

“Wouldn’t you prefer the banana smoothie?”

           
“Writing gives me focus. It’s a rewarding and sometimes painful pastime but without it I’d be lost.” – the author

The Buffet Conversation Piece

By Michael Bloor

On Andy’s stag night, Willie Macleod claimed that Joe Stalin was supposed to possess just four English phrases:

‘You said it;’

‘So what;’

‘What the hell goes on here?’ and,

‘The toilet is over there.’

In retrospect, it was clearly unwise for Willie to make a bet that he could conduct himself through the whole of Fiona and Andy’s wedding solely by utterance of Stalin’s four phrases. True, he managed to deliver the first three successfully. But, at the reception, he really should have admitted defeat when Fiona’s mum asked him how he liked the smoked eel canapés.

           
Michael Bloor is a retired sociologist living in Dunblane, Scotland, who has discovered the exhilarations of short fiction.

I’m Sorry You Had to See It

By John L. Malone

I’m sorry you had to see it.
It’s just that you walked in on me
When you were meant to be asleep.
I was in the middle of …
O, what’s the use?
You’ve seen it now.
You know the score.
Mum doesn’t need to know.
Go back and pretend you
Never saw a thing.
Me with my Santa hat and bag of goodies
And let me get on with my wrapping.
Goodnight love.

         
John is a South Australian writer of poetry, short stories and lately flash fiction. He is in the process of moving house which may be reflected in his writing.

Error: Reload, Replace

By Henry Bladon

It’s annoying that he always goes home before me, so every evening the last thing I do before I leave the office is to remove all the paper from his printer tray. I also save his empty ink cartridges when he throws them away so I can put them in place of one of the full ones.

Every morning I watch from the corridor as he reloads with fresh paper. Then he opens up the printer and yells at his ink for not lasting. He tells everyone he is cursed.

I swear one day I ‘m going to divorce him.

           
Henry Bladon is based in Somerset in the UK. He teaches creative writing for therapeutic purposes. His work can be seen in O:JA&L, Fewer than 500, Tuck Magazine, Pure Slush, The Ekphrastic Review, Spillwords Press, and elsewhere.

A Cadaver of Red

By John L. Malone

What is your wish? said the genie.

A cadaver of red, please.

A cadaver of red? Don’t you mean a cask or bottle? Or perhaps a magnum? I’ve had a few glasses myself this morning. I’m feeling generous. A jeroboam — I’ve never been asked for one of them [ If you don’t want it, I’ll have it] or, maybe even, a nebuchednezzar? Fit for a king.

No thanks, mate. A cadaver of red will suffice, said the lazy vampire.

            
John is a South Australian writer of poetry, short stories and lately flash fiction. He is in the process of moving house which may be reflected in his writing.

Darkness

By G. Allen Wilbanks

“Why are you afraid of the dark? Darkness is the natural state of everything. It’s the light that’s unnatural. When God said, ‘Let there be light,’ he was imposing an artificial reality on a universe that had previously only know known total darkness and emptiness, and every force in nature is currently trying to drive us back to that original point of neutrality. Everything around us is temporary, and at some point in the future we will all return to that initial state of nothingness. It’s inevitable.”

“Maybe,” his wife admitted. “But, I still want you to replace the lightbulb.”

           
G. Allen Wilbanks is a member of the Horror Writers Association (HWA) and has published over 60 short stories in Deep Magic, Daily Science Fiction, The Talisman, and other venues. He has published two story collections, and the novel, When Darkness Comes.